Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of metaphors for polyamory that are used to explain things to monogamous folks. One is that love is not a pizza. It’s not shared out into finite slices that are consumed and gone. The other is that you can have multiple children and still love them all. I think I’ve come up with another one.

Anyone who has ever been in a successful relationship with someone who has a passion for what they do understands polyamory, though they may not realize it. Artists, musicians, politicians, activists and actors immediately come to mind, but it could be any profession (or even hobby) that a person is deeply committed to doing. It’s so deeply entrenched in who they are that they would be a lesser person without it.

Being in a healthy relationship with such a person requires the acceptance that the passion will always share space with the relationship. Hopefully it will be on an equal footing most of the time. But likely there will be ebbs and flows, immersions and coming up for air. It requires being secure in the knowledge that the passion does not detract from the relationship, but stands alongside it sharing resources and time.

Another familiar adage in the poly world is that while love is infinite, time and resources are not. In the same way that some monogamous couples balance their personal relationship against the passion of one or both the partners, poly people do the same. Only for us, it’s balancing between partners.

So next time you catch yourself saying, “I just can’t understand polyamory,” take a moment and imagine that the 4lb smallmouth your husband plotted to catch all winter is actually a woman. What compromises did you make to help him acheive his goal? How far were you willing to bend to accomodate his needs while ensuring your own were being met? Could you really ask him to stop fishing forever to be with you, knowing that would kill part of his spirit?

If you can imagine that, you know what it’s like to practice polyamory.